November 4th, 2016
Every night I go to sleep, afraid of what lies in the darkness of my subconscious. I dread the visitors who approach me at my weakest moment. While I lie in helpless rest, they provide commentary to my life, from the pits of my insecurities.
One such night when I hesitated to fall asleep and succumb to insomnia, darkness echoed within me. It spread through me the way ink spreads on to paper. There was no stopping it. Soon, I was at a standstill. From the darkness sprang a hint of light. I couldn’t recognize it. While it should have consoled my fear of darkness, it just made me shudder in discomfort. It dawned on me that it wasn’t the light at the end of the tunnel or a ray of hope. Instead, it was right above me, and I was looking right at it while lying down as I slept. It was a spotlight – straining all its attention on me. I couldn’t blink out the unwelcome spill of brightness. I was in a state of paralysis that forced me to stare right into my illusions.
And then they came. Both as human as can ever be. They could be brothers – one a little older than the other, but you can’t quite point out which one. Both handsome, but a line of mischief sprang into one’s mouth and the other gripped on to an expression of softness.
Almost instantly I knew who they were. I was looking at God and Lucifer. But I didn’t know who was one from the other. You could easily conclude the mischievous one was the beholder of the doomed. But I wasn’t convinced, because, to me, neither was extraordinary – neither were otherworldly. But I knew right then – they were the ones who sifted through our lives like we were pages of a book. And exactly like that, they stopped at the page that was I and examined me closely.
Then one spoke – the one with the notorious smile. “What would we do with her, I wonder. She thinks about death so much that I reckon we will soon have to decide where she belongs”.
Then the other, coming closer to me – almost close enough to kiss, “She doesn’t seem out of the ordinary. But her heart – it’s heavy with hate. I say she needs another chance at life. ”
” Why? ” asks the other, whose smile has faded and looks at the former with shock at his irrationality, “Hate belongs in Hell. That’s it then. That was simple. ” He walks away from my field of vision.
But the one with the soft eyes didn’t take his eyes off of me, as if with an understanding that I may be listening “Perhaps.” he said, abruptly “But is Hate all that you see in her? Look, her eyes, they speak of regret. Large pools of sadness soak her iris. ”
The other returns and I can see how he hesitantly looks at me, ” Yes, so what? How does that change anything? ”
Both face each other and the soft-eyed one smiles an even softer smile and says, “Well, Hell does not need her. Her hate is not filthy enough to rot with the pungent souls that reek of debauchery. She is flawed, immensely but she doesn’t belong in a place that punishes the wrong choices and actions that harm others.”
A pause so silent that I’m unsure if I can still hear in my vision.
The face lights up again with mischief and he says, “She doesn’t belong in heaven either. Rules are rules – only those of pure hearts can enter. Her heart is anything but pure. She has harmed her share of people, but I suppose there is regret accompanying it. What do we do then? Sadly we have no In-between Realm in the afterlife. Neither of us wants her, clearly, in either of our domains. Death will plummet upon her, whether she wants it or not. So what do we do? ”
“We let her decide.”
And then the light shined brighter and overpowered the darkness, sinking me in a symphony of bright light. To this, I woke up, breathless and sweaty.
I knew it was just a dream. But, even then, I couldn’t decide, who was God and who was Lucifer because as they said, if it was left to me, who is who would make all the difference to me. Because what’s the point of a Heaven with a God that had to be reminded of mercy by none other than the apparently soft hearted Lucifer. And how bad could Hell be if its ruler was kind and attentive?
Well, until I understand who is who, I will not invite Death over, I decide.