Big Girls Don’t Cry

Rini sitting on a rocking a chair.
08.03.2019

It’s been a tough few days. That should explain the lack of any action on the blog. I had a gig in Bombay, so I had jetted off to the city of dreams, last weekend. It was not too stressful, nevertheless, it was a huge blow to my confidence altogether. The hangover of this unexpected negative self-reflection lasted until yesterday. Fortunately, I don’t have an option but to get back up and be productive, because my life depends on it.

I don’t understand how I fall prey easily to subjects of confidence. I am so confident when it comes to presenting myself. But with my work, my self confidence tumbles down so easily. It rests on a fragile and shaky foundation, rooted in self doubt and fear. I know I am new in the field of actually trying to monetise out of my skills as an artist/ a writer and especially as a freelancer. It gets so tricky to understand how professionalism exists in this strange world. Maybe that’s what I lack – the maturity and expertise to be a professional. Some people are oozing with the confidence that is required for such practices. But here I am, one sob away from breaking down like a child. Even though I had several moments where I was on the verge of breaking down, with tears jerking up in my eyes, I didn’t actually break down, ever. That’s a feat that needs to be appreciated because, I break down at the “drop of a hat”. I have understood that in order to be stronger, it is important to behave as a stronger person. There’s nothing wrong with crying, of course. But I cry far too easily and far too often. It wouldn’t hurt me to cut down on the tears.

I am so glad to be back in Goa. Even though I was gone just for a few days, coming back to Goa always makes me feel like I’m here to relax (even though, I am not). My childish inquisitiveness rebirths itself on this land of changing landscapes. It’s going to be summer, so I’m bracing myself for the impending heat waves. Goa is never the same throughout the year – each month comes with brand new experiences.

So, I’m back, sitting on my laptop, ready to be productive because there’s no way around it.

1. The song that always re-establishes hope in me.

2. Malayalam music full of goodness

He’s singing about the heartbreak when a girl left him for a richer boy. Podi Penne kind of translates to “Go away, girl”. Thakara has a lot of songs that are really really good.

3. An insightful film on veganism

So, I’ll be honest, I haven’t watched the entire film. It could have been made in a far more exciting way. Butttt, it also outlines very very important conversations around veganism. I am not a vegan — yet, but this film has definitely got me considering it very seriously.

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