Life is one big fat ball of irony. In under 24 hours of me boasting that I hadn’t shed a tear in a moment that I ideally would, I broke down on the street. It’s the strangest thing. I can hold back my tears when I’m genuinely in pain and feeling low and hurt, but when I could have very well treated the issue at hand far more maturely, I was crying like a little baby on the middle of the road. Didn’t I tell you I cry far too easily?
Well, the day wasn’t going as planned. I had to go to the post office to post my art prints for a customer. That didn’t happen because it’s a Saturday. My scooter’s Tyre is broken and I need to replace it with a brand new tyre and it costs Rs 2000, which honestly wasn’t the budget on my mind. Besides, my debit card is broken (which wasn’t even my doing) and I can’t take out the cash myself and have to depend on somebody else. Cue my tears. Oh gosh, I’ll tell you exactly how my mind functions in moments like this. There’s a lot of self-hate that you are going to witness, so brace yourself.
The train of thoughts go something like this, and the ‘you’ refers to yours truly.
“Wow, are you capable of doing anything on your own? Now you have to go asking somebody to give you some money? How humiliating? Have you no self respect? (This is so hard to write down because these words are so toxic and it’s weighing down on me now) How can you call yourself independent in any form? And look at the state of your bike. Mamma gave it to you with so much love. You can’t take care of anything. Everybody is right about you! You are so spoilt and irresponsible. You will never grow up. Why did you even pick up freelancing? 2000 bucks is gonna burn a hole in your pocket. So irresponsible. Even if you would have been miserable in a day job, you’d have to not worry about money. Look at you! You are such a delusional being! And selfish and self-obsessed! “
Well, this continued for the 15 minutes that I had to wait by the garage for the mechanic to return with a confirmation. I was crying, and even if I tried I couldn’t stop it. At least none of the people passing by knew who I was. It was even more tragic when the old man at the garage asked me why I was crying. I wept even more. How truly embarrassing.
You know how when it rains, the river swells up and then the flood is out of control? That’s how it feels. Not just when tears are uncontrollable. But it’s a feeling in the chest. As it swells, you can almost feel the heart muscles stretch and then the outburst makes the heart feel heavy. I have grown so familiar this feeling after all my years of expertise in breaking down.
I am disappointed in myself today. And I think it’s important to let you know that there are bad days. Most of my stuff try to talk about optimism and strength and growth. But oh man, all of those things are stuff that I write to reaffirm myself than anybody else, because the today kind of days are completely devastating. But I do want to state that there is glory in weakness too. Somewhere, some part of me is growing through all these adversities. Sometimes it feels like I’m running away from a bully whose sole agenda is to make me cry. But it tires the hell out of me, man.
So, here’s me, telling you about my almost comical but tragic unhappy day. That’s all.
1. My Moody Day Song
2. Low Days Are For Slow Songs
3. Must-Binge-Watch Show
I’ve been currently binge watching this show and I would 100% recommend.