A lone.

17.03.2019

In the photo for today’s journal, I sit candidly staring into a thought in the distance. Siddhanta, my beloved photographer friend – (pause) – manages to capture such profound images. In this one, it sums up what I have been feeling all of this month, so far – absolutely alone.

You see, I was always never alone (not literally, of course). I was born into a family of five (including my late grandmother, at the time) who gave me A LOT of attention. I have always been super extroverted, so I always had friends and as a matter of fact, I was usually surrounded by lots of them whenever I needed to be. And let’s just say I have also always been in relationships throughout my life from the age of 13. I have always had validation from most of the people around me (except for most of my teachers in high school, which resulted in way too much damage). And now, at the ripe age of 24 – an age by when I have seen far too many peers getting married – I have very consciously decided to be alone. You see, this is not just about being single. It’s also about being in Goa – a brand new world, in comparison to my familiarity with Bangalore, that lasted 15 years. I don’t know anybody here. People I talk to and meet often and can actually call friends? I can count five, or maybe seven (depending upon when they aren’t travelling for work). And the icing on the cake? I picked up freelancing. So, I am not even going to be meeting people for work. Ooooo. It’s freaky, now that I sum all of it up like that. But it’s the truth, and honestly, I don’t mind it too much. I love having an intimate circle of friends around. And I LOVE not having to deal with people who I really don’t want to deal with, for long periods of time. And, I need to focus on myself a whole lot, so right now, I don’t want that focus to be on a whole other person – hence, the choice of singledom.

But of course, it’s never how it ever seems. I can feel loneliness creeping in like fog. I hate it. It makes me feel miserable and lazy and filled with self-pity (THE WORST). My anxiety acts up in moments of vulnerability and I have been sort of bat shit crazy for the past few days. I completely ran out of sanity and was erratic. My insecurities blew up on everybody’s face – everybody who was making contact with me. It was embarrassing and humiliating, to say the least. But you see, after all of that outburst, I know one thing. I am not ok. I need therapy. I need healing, still, as much as I thought I had healed.

I also know another little thing that I didn’t know when I jumped into choosing this whole mess. That I need to grieve. “Choosing” to be single sounds like such an empowering thing to do. It definitely felt like, for a while. (If you are going to think of how selfish it was, especially considering the other person, let me tell you something very important – you may be right, but you aren’t. ) I was putting my feet on the ground, doing everything I had to do to survive, that I forgot I was losing somebody I loved beyond my capacity, somebody who I was most comfortable with, somebody who I spent so much time with, somebody I shared so much of me with, somebody who shared so much of them with me. How could I be human, if I didn’t grieve? So I am grieving. It takes strange forms sometimes, but I have been pushing myself to do it the way normal people do. Except I am anything but normal, so I have all sorts of alternative and healthier coping mechanism mashed up for myself to make this a whole lot fairer for everybody involved in my mad, mad life.

What does that involve? Oh, so far – a list – an ever increasing list of things that I must and must not do, of reasons, of reminders and a constant work in progress. Constantly writing about how I feel. Limiting my exposure to junk (Jesus Christ I can binge watch anything). And constant reaffirmations. Also, I have decided to not actually isolate myself and to be more curious and social (basically my own self LOL). Meeting new people is SUPER important to anybody and I am not going to neglect myself that. And it helps distract your stupid mind that won’t let you grieve healthily. Nonetheless, a huge part of grieving is having to grieve alone ( a little slip of knowledge that my wise and dear friend Siddhanta said to me during one of my many meltdowns). So, that means, I have to embrace loneliness as an active part of grieving – and let that be just that – a stage in a series of milestones towards healing.

Let’s all pray and hope that this state of rationality of mine lasts long. Until further notice, here are some recommendations!

1. Shirkerssssssss

I love this documentary for so many reasons – for its pace, for its fictionality, for its aesthetics, for its portrayal of complex friendships, for its music, for its EVERYTHING OK JUST EVERYTHING!

2. Shirkers but the song from it

BUT ARE YOU LISTENING TO THE LYRICS?

3. Shirkers but its that one omnipresent music

Love everything about this song so just listen!

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